Here Ye! Here Ye! This just in, Renaissance Fairs are Stupid!

WHAT'S WRONG WITH TRAVELING ENTERTAINMENT? 


PART ONE:

Hey Everyone! Who wants to go see people widdle things out of wood? No? How about two people beat on each other with sticks? No? Could you be enticed with a small doll made entirely of hay? Yeah, didn't think so.

HI YA! Don't make me whack you with this piece of wood again!

Who invented the idea of a renaissance fair? Hey, let's get together and teach people what is was like in medieval times.....What? Hey person with that idea, guess what? No one wants to do that because medieval times sucked. It was full of dysentery, leprosy and people beating on each other with blunt objects (Which ironically is the only super cool part). There's a reason society progressed from that period. It was STUPID! Not to mention every re-enactment "actor" at this fair will undoubtedly have a criminal record.

**Sound of prison bars opening**

This is someone I want to hang out with...

Out walks inmate Sherman. Gaurd: Sherman, here's your stuff. If your looking for work there is a local renaissance fair coming up. A LOT of kids, weapons, and stuff, should be right up your alley. Cut to two weeks later, Sherman's in a pair of tights handing your kid some medieval candy luring him into his woody station wagon he calls a battering ram. I hate to say it, but his car isn't going to be the battering ram...Hope you had fun at the fair.

Here's a scary tidbit of info. This is a quote from RenFaire.com:

"Many people when they go for the first time are overcome by the sheer hubub of it all. Hawkers in the streets, ribbons and flags waving in the wind, the sound of bells lutes and ocarinas in the air, the lilt of foreign accents, the smell of cooking foods and flowers, the warmth of sun on your face and the wind in your hair."


YIKES! NEWSFLASH! This is a description of a Von's grocery store.


And really? The hubub of it all? Oh my gosh, I am so overwhelmed by these dirty people who are trying to sell me toys made out of human hair. Oh gosh, look at that man over there juggling sticks. Hunny, grab the kids! We have to leave NOW!


Let's also diagnostically look at this quote which I found under the link: "What is RenFaire?"
This title would lead me to assume I am reading something they are writing for someone who has no experience at all at a renaissance fair or hasn't ever even heard of one. 


So why in the hell would I know what a lute or ocarinas sounds like? Huh? Come on.


Am I supposed to sit back when I read this and go, OH YES, of course. The classic sounds of a lute mixed with the majestic ocarinas, who could ask for anything more. 


NO. This makes me want to slap the person who wrote this quote even more than I already do. And the last and in my opinion best part of the quote. 


"Hawker's in the streets."   YES!!!!


Oh thank you, thank you! I've always wanted to walk down a dirty street with creepy people surrounding me and get heckled! Hooray! Please sell some kid a wooden rubber band shooting gun so he can shoot me in the face with it! 

You want to talk about hippie?

Is anyone reading this right now going, "This guys full of shit, I need to hit a renaissance fair this weekend."? Then congrats, you love hanging out in the grocery store parking lots at 2am and got nothing from this post.


For all us other "sane" people. If you really want to do something with swords, spells, and creepy people, go see Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows Part 1 on opening weekend.  


*This is the first edition of a three part series entitled: What's Wrong with Traveling Entertainment? And trust me, it only get's better from here.*